hurts and lies.

2008-11-17T12:47:00.001+08:00

I HOPE IT STOPS RAINNING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!

2008-07-20T22:05:00.000+08:00

i hope it enver stops raining. (:

2008-04-13T13:32:00.001+08:00

I don't promise i'll drop by much now adays.

2008-04-13T01:57:00.002+08:00

I miss you. mmm .

2008-04-11T23:26:00.002+08:00

Don't you think nature's pretty? Like the prettiest thing on earth but it's a pity some people do not know how to enjoy what was heaven sent. Why are people storing rice at home instead of conserving the environment? The funny thing about this is: everyone knows that the global food crisis was the result of global warming yet nobody is doing anything about it. what the fuck is wrong?

I've got a lil too much to do, a lil too much to think. Yesterday was the best day of my fucking life. Coz appreantly, my com crashed right infront of my eyes when i was doing my assignments. i cried like a fucking baby coz i know if i hadn't any work to hand up, i'll be so fucked. however, there was an alternative. Hunny told me she'll let me copy her work. [Iloveyou so so much (: ...]

So, despite having the damn com crashing on me, i've got one assignment off my shoulder but was left with a few more. There was no other way to do lit essays other than doing it on a fullscap, re-writing everything i've thought of & altering the length of it. I guess i did my job crying when i was doing my lit essay. thanks baby for talking to me even when you're so tired & thanks for re-assuring me that you'll always be there to hear me out. <33.>

suckerzxzx computerzxzx. Thank goodness my mum called the man on time to book him today so he'll be able to fix whatever that was wrong with my com.

I miss those days when my com never crashed ...

I need some sleep now.

2008-04-09T22:45:00.002+08:00

http://news.sg.msn.com/entertainment/article.aspx?cp-documentid=1332621

"It features thousands of historic newspaper front pages, iconic news photos, hundreds of hours of film, artifacts and interactive games in 14 galleries, 15 theaters and two television studios."

hello, 15 theaters my dear. 15 fucking theaters. i can literally sell cars & have a car exhibit there. Jon's car. Have you heard of it? the new sports car ... (inside jokeeee) okay .

enough of the crap shit that i've been doing for the past few days. so fearless of O levels, i've been sleeping too much, eating too much & even talking too much. It never hit me till today that i'll be sitting for my mother tounge paper on the 26th next month. Minus the lazy weekends, i'm only left with a month or even lesser. the indignant expression on my mum's face everytime i get home late from sch turns me off. I can't help it, there's after classes every wed - friday. I swear there's no way i can stand the grumpy teachers that step into class. no, there's no reason for them to throw their temper at us when they're having a bad day, do they? unrealistic bastards. Yes not bitch but bastard. Afterall, we're humans too.

please take a look at tony parsons's man & boy. i'll give it 5 stars coz i've cried & laughed through it.

2008-04-07T15:18:00.001+08:00

iloveyou.Y

2008-04-06T20:32:00.005+08:00

Somethings don't go away, somethings just stay like a vivid memory. Like echoes from the past, trying to recover something that had already been lost forever. Be it a lost childhood or something money simply can't buy back.

Eyes brimming with tears, there was no way one could believe what it's ear percieved. At least.. not that. It's just a simple choice of believing or not. But how on earth can something like that slip away so easily? Who would have known it'll turn out the way it did? Who knew it got so bad that I was barely able to bring myself together again? There were so many things said yet unheard. I wish you heard it.

Who'll hold me when i cry now?

2008-04-06T01:03:00.002+08:00

i know, very well, that something still lingers. Don't say, i just don't want to hear.

2008-04-02T21:16:00.003+08:00

It was all bout you;nothing else.

I'm very moody now & i feel like tearing myself apart for whatever seems the reason. i wished something could take me away from all these that i'm going through. I don't feel good, not with the sharp pains in my stomach. I stuck to my diet. Probably a good thing, i supposed.

2008-04-01T23:03:00.001+08:00

“Tears whelmed up in the eyes of mine coz they’re too beautiful to not make me cry.”

We had a million questions about our life.

This goes to the wonderful people who had contributed so so much in my life. The ones that were there like a mother were to a child, the ones who have been there since forever & the ones whom saw the different sides of me & how I used to be. Who else could it be?; My best friends.

I’m sorry if I ain’t perfect & there are some things in life which I can’t live up to. I can’t do things all in the right way neither can I speak all the right words in certain situations.

I’ve gradually grown in this world of nothing less than chaos & unacceptable reality. But you all have been there, been there like the sun which will never let us down every morning. Been there like a light shinning through the darkness of the crowd so to let me know that everything’s going to be alright coz you’d be there even if this world falls apart on me.

Thanks for being there, thanks for everything that you have been to me, thanks for holding me up even when it seems impossible to pick myself up from the ground which I’ve fallen on. You mean more than anything to me & I promise, I’ll shine for you at your darkest hour.

All the major events that have already happened took a big part of me yet you all have always been there to ensure me tomorrow will be a better day & the sun is going to shine brighter as each day passes by. You know how much it means to me.

I remember all the small talks we had in star bucks, all the questions we had about life. Some answers were our consumptions while some aren’t even there. However, there’s an answer that’s definite & true; we’ll hold hands through this race of life & none of us will be left behind. We’ll finish this race together & we’ll walk through the walks of our lives.

Thanks for being so much to me.

Boyfriend:
“Like a diamond that stood out from all the gems.”

You’re more than just a boyfriend to me. You’re someone I’ve been searching for & you’re someone who’ve became part of me like how my best friends are a part of me. Thanks for tolerating me even when I was ignorant to the very extent. I never thought something like a concert could change me & the certain stereotypical thoughts of how a guy is. I understand some things aren’t shown on the surface of my skin neither are they shown in my words & I know that there’re some things which you’ll question no matter how obvious the answer is or rather, the umpteen times that I’ve assured you with the answer. I just want you to know how much you mean to me & I want you to understand that some issues aren’t up to us to decide. However, you need to know this… I’m not leaving, I’m not going to let myself slip away & I’m not going to let someone who loves me lose me. These are some choices I can make.

Like I’ve told my best friends, I’m not perfectly flawless & there are some things which I am unable to do the right way or even, do it in the first place. You’ve been more than just understanding, more than anything I’ve expected you to be.

Thanks for being you, Y.

2008-03-31T15:50:00.002+08:00

It was different today, i promised myself to have only two pieces of bread after school but instead, i forced two bowls of rice down my throat regardless if i was hungry or not. The constant sharp pain that swims around my stomach appears every once in a while after meals & it'll only fall after several attempts of trying to lessen the creature that's been eating me inside out. The anti- biotic that has been given to me weren't helping much because all they ever do is make me shit everything i consume. Maybe it was caused by the improper meals i take everyday or maybe, it could even be the food that i have been consuming. I don't know what triggers these sharp pains. However, each time it comes, i'll have to stop everything that i'm doing & curl up into a ball. Sometimes, it explains why i never eat in school.

Today was a mad rush home. I got back on time. infact, earlier than expected & i completed my assignments for tuition.

There's mosquitoes in my PC room & there's a lizard somewhere near me. WHAT?! MY HOUSE JUNGLE AH? JUNGLE LIKE FUNFAIR LET THEM COME HERE COME THERE LIKE TO POP OUT & SCARE ME THEN SCARE ME... omg ): ... noooooooooooo *squeals*

2008-03-31T00:09:00.003+08:00

"Haven't you always thought of leaving school? haven't you be looking forward to the last days of this year since the day you stepped into that school 3 years back? Haven't you always told yourself you'll study hard & get outta this shit as soon as possible? What happened to the enthusiasm?"

I forgot to remember the touch of books. It's time to sit down right infront of the study table & pick up the books that has been lying on the floor for what seems like years. I never had such a hard hit till today when i finally realize nobody actually bothers because they're too used to the opinion of me failing every school year.

This year's diffirent. This year's going to determine where i'm gonna end up in life. Yes, there may be much more important things than just sitting for a few sheets of paper that'll determine your future. But, in society, who cares if you could do hands on very well without a qualification? To be honest, no one would.

Suddenly, i feel petrified by the limited amount of time before my major exams approach. I want to do well & i have to do well. i can't fail anymore...

The moods that has been affecting me these few days hasn't been smooth. & i change my moods in a snap of my fingers. i hate it. i hate to feel the way i actually feel. Ain't it sad every woman is bound to suffer from something like that where else the man just sits down & resound bout how unreasonable we can be(?) Lucky i don't have someone who actually flares up at me, like( fill in the blank) when i'm in a bad mood. Thanks for being so understanding... (:

It feels like forever that you've been here with me. ily. Y

2008-03-30T13:03:00.001+08:00

I never knew falling aslp together on the phone would be so comfortable.

I forgot to hang up the phone yesterday. ):

2008-03-28T20:01:00.002+08:00

Hi, my name is nicole & i hate your tiny lil guts. you fucktard.

I haven't been free lately , haven't had the time to take meals regularly & i'm having a stomach flu. That's very bad. But on second thoughts, maybe it's a good lesson to learn from.

Today was haunted house preparation for tmr's family day. Let's put it this way... I love the way everything went even though we didn't have enough time & i hope everything's going to go well provided nobody pulls anything or accidentally hit something off the decorations. I'm so excited for tmr's ((: ... Now, i'm very hungry but once i eat, i'll have a bad stomach... how ? ...

these days have been mundane & boring but bestfriends never fail to make it brighter even when it seem too dark to even have a light at the end of the tunnel. the surface of my skin is melting & i could feel the pain under it. I've been too tired & i think it's eating me up slowly. I'm weary & i look like as if i just crawled out of bed even though it's time for bed soon.

Still, nothing stopped me from the late night calls which will last till the early mornings. iloveyou.

2008-03-26T21:14:00.003+08:00

I'm not crazy i'm just a lil unwell.

Drained like a dry river, there's nothing much i could possibly when i've got a work load of stuff to accomplish yet there's not enough time to do so. I'm tired. I'm very very tired. & we all know... this will go on till the end of this year. Till then, i'll be throwing my fucking books back at my tutor & i'll be burning myself out with whatever comfort i've found in.

I'm waiting by the phone ... i guess you never knew how much it means to me, do you? Maybe you've found something better to indulge in than the cheap thrills. It doesn't matter to you... right?

2008-03-25T22:03:00.003+08:00

Since when was it bout me? I know it's hard for you to cope with everything around but it hasn't been easy for me either. The phone converstaions were nothing but you bragging while me listening. i don't know but, i suppose you're not the one i used to know. I guess you've let me down & most importantly, you've let yourself down.

I guess we all feel the same way, the way we feel when exams are approaching & voldie & i haven't been feeling well since. I love you voldie. Please get well okay? Take care of yourself.

2008-03-23T12:47:00.006+08:00

although i did my homework, i was praying so hard for my teacher to miss her schedules & forget about tuition today. Sadly, i failed miserably. she turned up before i could even run to my toilet to wash up.

This is You. This is Me. (:

"you using the com again"

"yesss, i'm blogging bout you."

"don't bluff.What you blogging about me?"

"i'm..saying you're very naughty."

"i shall see it ltr, i shall take a look at it."

"Okay."

"maybe tonight i'm not going back, i'm going to watch soccer at my friend's place."

"okay, i dnt care, you tell me before already whatttttt.!!"

"okay lor, you don't care, i hang up, BYEBYE."

"ehhhhh."

"you say you don't care what, then don't care you dnt need to talk to me already."

"*mumbles*"

"i'm having easter lunch."

"ohh, after you eat, you become an easter egg HAHAHHHHAHAHAahaha."

& this conversation trails off.

Counting the days, it's been 4-5 since I've seen you & your absence isn't something my heart's particularly fond of. I miss you ...

The phone lighting up with your name on the caller ID, the way you tease & the way you make me not want to hang up.

We could Lay like this forever, without a sound. Just you & i with your hair brushing against my face.

2008-03-22T23:35:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry for being a bitch. I'm sorry for snapping & I’m sorry for everything that I’ve caused you to worry about. “I feel like crying & I hope you’ll be there to see me cry & break down right in front of your face to tell you whatever I wanted to tell you.”

It wasn’t exactly a good day today coz all of us were lazy & tired for whatever seems the reason. However, they’ve made today a wonderful one even when I lost my mood & the enthusiasm I had minutes ago. Thanks for everything (:

I miss you…

2008-03-22T00:36:00.002+08:00

"I got so caught up with my teenage life that i forgot how i used to be when i was a lil younger."

I miss the "family" i used to call when i was younger. It was just us, us & nothing more.It was back when i knew everything's gonna be alright because you both assured me even if the world fell apart, you'll be there to stand by me. If i ever hid under the cozy lil blanket to cry over whatever seems to be the reason, you both would hide under it with me & speak those words to me;"everything's gonna be alright". I miss those days, mum, dad. As we grew older, both you & i, the family story of us became complicating. The lil fights & areguments gradually covered up the happy times we all had. Then, we forget where we stand in each other's heart. Even if those childhood days of mine seemed too vague for you to reminiscent, my love for you, both, has never grew lesser. this 16 years has been wonderful & i want you to know if it wasn't for the both of you, i wouldn't have such a pretty life now. thanks for standing by me. thanks for protecting me from everything in this world. I miss those hands that used to embrace me & that mouth which used to tell me how much you love me. you may not feel the need to anymore coz you probably think you've register everything into my mind already. However, i have to admit that I'm still that lil girl you've always known. I'm still that nicole who used to chase frogs in sentosa & sing barney's songs on the telephone. i still need you both around. I really do. so please, please don't ever go. Coz i really wouldn't know what am i gonna do if you both were to go without me.

Don't you miss those days too? Can we have another family dinner again? Can you tell me how much you love me? or even hug me & cry with me?

I've packed my drawers, i've packed my room. Sometimes, it really makes me think of how i used to be when i was younger. I read past letters my best friends gave me. funny isn't it? So many years have past but the memories still stayed. Reading those letters gave me a taste of how it was then. i remembered lots of things i didn't manage to remember. & i love it. when it comes to memories, you wouldn't dare admit that there's no bad ones, do you? i still had tim's letter surprisingly, funny. Should i thank you for making me dislike you so much? You were nice, till you fucked it all. (:

2008-03-20T14:47:00.007+08:00

I'm back home, early. & for once, once after all these while that i've not been attending church, i've decided to turn up in church tomorrow.

I bet baby's sleeping... I'm getting more & more tired, more & more weary as each day passes.

So does it end with all the silent sulks of yours? All the time that you've wasted on him has gone unnoticed. So why? why do you still waste yourself away by drinking, smoking, playing cheap etc. just to get a point across to him when all he ever thinks bout will only be someone else. Did you really think it was going to be a happily ever after? Did you not think about the consequences when you were "enjoying" your wasted life? Did you really think he was gonna stick with you without a single lie? Maybe you'd say it's all a phase of life & whatever you both went through will keep everything stronger. I can't guarantee, no one will be able to. I guess you never did register whatever they've told you. You gotta fall hard to learn a lesson, Don't you? The heart felt sorry(s) everyone gave you will never be enough to mend your broken heart, everyone understands. However, that's all they can really do. After all that they've said, it doesn't really matter because you never did digest them, did you? I feel sorry, seeing/hearing from all that you've said. & i feel even more apologetic when i think of the words i want to tell you but not wanting to hurt you. so what are you going to do with the lil innocent infant? the infant's too young to know anything, too innocent to carry the wrong you both did. Don't harm it, will you?
Breathing the fresh air above me got me thinking bout lots of things. I wish i could tell you i didn't care but it's pretty impossible because the more i think of it, the more it gets onto me. It brings me to tears when i hear things i do not want to know. Can you feel it too?
When i'm with you i'll make every second count cause i miss you, whenever you're not around

2008-03-19T19:34:00.003+08:00

The temptation of lighting up urged me to take a fag but i promised myself to control & even if i do light up, there's no place i can have it anyway.

Somehow, just somehow, i noticed the growing amount of cig buds on the ground each time i take a fag. I have to control, i have to cut down i have to, i have to. There's so many things that i have to do. My to-do list is probably filled up yet none of them are being accomplished. No, i have not tried spending alone time with my math homework, chem textbook or any other subjects that i will be taking for O levels. Neither have i been listening much during my Chinese tuition. Mother tongue is in a few months time but, i couldn't be bothered to even touch my textbook/assesments that were assigned to me.

I seriously have no idea what has gotten into me. Just by flipping my math assesments & text causes me to focus on something else rather than what i am supposed to focus on. i know i'm lazy but i can't resist the temptation, really, to actually walk away from my work. I guess i need someone to really sit with me & hunt me down like a primary school kid. I remembered telling someone that there's no point in studying or doing well since everyone expects me to do less good. I guess i'll take back those words coz whatever that i'm doing, i do it for myself & not for others to see.

These few days hasn't been all that bright or moody but it has been a lil of both, a mixture.

I've been thinking alot. too much that if i let them all out, i'll be drowning in a flood of words. Nothing but words. I made an attempt to cry under the cozy blanket in my room but i couldn't find a reason to let my tears flow down. I tried to hide somewhere only i knew, somewhere where i'll be able to actually calm myself down & lock myself up from everything that's passing me by. Sometimes i find it so hard to talk, sometimes i just want some time alone to think, think bout where my life's gonna lead me to, think bout everything that i've done with my life. Think... just think. I don't need therapy... i need time. would you please be with me even when i say i need to be alone? stay for awhile & take your time to go wherever you want to go.

so bryan's home from his NS event... congrats on getting promoted to a higher rank (: . Please make time so we can do a lil catching up here & there.

I never thought... i never did...

2008-03-13T23:46:00.003+08:00

We were talking bout life, about everything that will probably happen after our secondary's. Hanging above our talks were the best sky, best clouds & not forgetting, the best stars + moon one will encounter. It's like one in a million. I've not seen such a beautiful sight so far, till today. the way things unfolded themselves right in front of my eyes came to my realization that one week is over. It's back to the six o'clock early mornings. No more sleeping till the sun shines on my ass. no more calling each other to ask what to do for the day. It's all back to school.

The week has been wonderful. Thanks for spending it wIth me, best friends & boyfriend. I have nothing much to blog bout for the week. Let's say it's just, indescribable. (:

2008-03-10T16:17:00.003+08:00

OH my gaaaaaaawd, like get a fuckin life, you stuuuupid.

I don't know how F up can one get, seriously. rghfb! Like F f f f f f up? One F is enough but you've got like... i don't know, go count.

I'm waiting for neh neh to come over so we can head dwn to sentosa to see everyone who's there. Tmr will be living with my best friends & boyfriend for a day. i dn't know what mess will we make outta it. but sounds fun doesn't it?

I realised, Sg has alot of haunted places & the most interesting one should be the one near botanic gardens. Feel the creeps when you see those bananna trees.

2008-03-10T00:41:00.004+08:00

ohmygawdzxzx i've got sch tmr......... suckerxzxzx.

*explodes like a terrorist*

He's homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee + i can't wait for tuesdayzx.

2008-03-09T21:07:00.002+08:00

I'M qwertyuiopasdfghjkl BROKE. ):

oh, & save the EARTH !

2008-03-07T21:17:00.004+08:00

"hey jude, dn't be afraid..."

Friday's here & i spent my school day runnig my 2.4km ... it's been a long time since i've completed my run. simply because everytime when we have our P.E. periods, best friend & i will probably be walking at the end of the running crowd. They'll be running like mad cows while we walk & talk & laugh. Sorry, my lungs aren't made for running. Okay, bullshit. i ran i ran like a mad bitch without stopping.

I anticipated all my CA1 results. It's either a "just pass" or... a fail. This year's a different case. Bullshit talks aren't just talks anymore. I studied for various subjects but i guess i never put in enough effort for most of them. I passed all except for one & that very sunject used to be a strong subject for me. What happened nic, what happened? 2 more months to MT's O levels. a few more months, the tortures over. I know there's no more time to waste. & i know very well that i have to start studying now. however the motivation isn't there, it dies away in weeks to come. Although i've been listening in class, i haven't been taking in much of it & i never brought any sch books home to revise for the past term. This probably explains where i stand now.

Tmr's parent meeting session will be fucked up, i know. Conferences with teachers & parents is a good time for them to pick your fucking faults out so your mother/father would be aware of it. & mine will be never ending. haven't been performing well for this term. My restuls are fucked, (not like as if it wasn't fucked in the very first place but... yeah), My attendance for my CCA's also fucked. attendance's Fairly fucked. hmm, so, tell me, tell me what good too place in this one term? I'm going to sit in class calmly inorder to let my teacher fuck everything up to my mother & then, after everything, Mum will just tell me to study hard. Coz she couldn't be bothered to whoever she'll be talking to tmr...

I have to complete my math now.

Remember, all this will pay off for the rest of your life.

I'm going to miss you when you're at bintan.

2008-03-06T21:02:00.002+08:00

I feel very very very PMS-y now.

If you're so unhappy with your life & you keep running to me as & when you like, my advice to you is hit your fucking head so you'll wake up & realise this world isn't just black & white.

I doubt anyone could fight the temptation of sleeping in class with that type of cold & flimsy weather softened by a milky haze. The restless crowd made it so difficult to ignore the pressure of my eye lids but after awhile's struggle, i couldn't take it anymore therefore i gave in . weak isn't it? don't blame me. blame the temperature.

I'm broke. very very broke. need to save up for next week's need to light up but am running out alrady. fooooook.

Terence is a pig. (: Hello i knw you're reading this.

2008-03-05T20:09:00.003+08:00

AWESOME...isnn't it (:

2008-03-03T21:24:00.006+08:00

Mondays are very well known for Monday blues. Definitely today was one of those days. the accumulated inactivity of these cold rainy days has gotten on to me lately. i've adapted it so much so that i'm able to fall asleep any time of the day. Some find it disgustingly unacceptable but some just live with it. Who doesn't need sleep anyway? It's better to be able to fall asleep anytime than to have insomnia...

I'm pretty comfortable with the life i'm going through at the moment. Despite the importance of upcoming major exams, i am still engulfed with laziness. Like i've told some of my friends . " it's one of those i-dnt-want-to-study days" Then again, everyday is one of those days. it took me some time to register the fact & importance of having a good foundation for last year's syllabus yet i'm not doing anything bout it yet. i think my brain's still digesting those information.

The tempetation of ordering macdonalds is so irresistable but the weighting maching in my toilet is stopping me. i'm trying to control myself only after i found myself clearing the junk food at home. accomplished isn't it? Even my mum says i eat more than her... Periods mum, periods.

Last two days were with family & best friends. Boyfriend who was unable to make it for either day took the effort to travel frm home to my place. iloveyoutothemax!

I can't deny the fact that i've enjoyed myself over those two days. i had heart to heart talks with best friend & my parents. Heart to heart talk makes me feel the importance of communication & i have to admit that i've learnt alot from my parents lately. i haven't been having a good relationship with dad since the day he found me doing something he thought i'd never do. But i guess it's just a vivid yet vague memory afterall.

MY eyes are shutting on me... my art works are lying on my bedroom floor. my stereo's blasted while my television is on with the stereo over taking the voices of each actor in the television.

coffee, anyone? Yes, at this time of the night.

2008-02-29T18:02:00.001+08:00

i felt so sinful after the italian herb ribs so i headed homw for a work out but, after that... i decided to eat again. oh... control nicole... CONTROL ):

2008-02-28T18:01:00.005+08:00

Today's post will be:

~~FUCK YOU.~~

It's funny no matter how much they provoke you, you're still a family & nothing changes the fact that you all share the same roof above your heads. Even if you've settled down with some stranger whom you address as your husband, nothing changes the fact that you've shared most of your life chasing your sister/brother around the house just for that pair of scissors, arguing with them just to prove your point, or even, throwing your tantrum on them for god knows what reasons.

I don't know how everyone feels bout their family. however, i know very well how i feel bout my family. & honestly, i have to admit that my family falls in the middle rage. Not too bad & not too good. Just nice, maybe, that's what they call it. When was the last time you told your daddy you missed him? When was the last time you told your mum you loved her? Maybe it was just yesterday; maybe it was few weeks back, or even a few months ago. Mine was way back than when things weren’t as complicated & now, the vivid memories are growing vague. I forgot the soft embrace of my mother. I couldn't remember the time my dad told me he loved me & I just couldn't help the fact that they themselves forgot the fact that I still need them around me as I grow old.

They always say “ tell them you love them before it’s too late.” But how many of us really do it? Sometimes we, as kids are so busy with our everyday lives that we forget that they have a life too, they have their things to bother bout but that never stopped them from contributing to the family. Some things can be too late. It wouldn’t be too late if you start doing it now. So, will you? Coz I would…

2008-02-27T20:27:00.006+08:00

so i did, i did tremble under the blanket with thick heavey sobs. i stumbled on every word while searching through my soul for what seems to be bothering me. the search for somethine to cuddle was a long search in the living room. Everything seemed to be ignorant to the fact that there was a wandering soul searching for comfort. If sofas & coffee tables could talk, they'll probably say something like go to bed bloody fuck. Thank god the don't have mouths!

Settleing in with a blanket over me was the only hing i could think of. It was warm, welcoming & it always made me feel like as if nothing matters more than a good night's rest. but no! no, no. i had to tear myself apart by being coward for not being able to face the winter elements that came pass our lives every now & than. I see every light die down as i looked out the window & i realise some things were stressing me too much. Art was eating my life away like i ate meals. Sometimes, you just couldn't help it. could you?

I composed myself before dialing his number for the second time that night. Relieved to know that he's there & always will be. His warm embraced made me feel so.. right.

I'm going to eat ice cream & i'm going to feast tnight. For once in my weeks i'm ignoring teh fact that i have to finish up my sketches . (:

2008-02-26T18:51:00.005+08:00

I guess it never got to you that it'll hurt. Not when you were on the line. Not when i just pretended. I guess some things are jsut meant to be taken for granted & nothing really bothers you as much as it bothers me. i don't know if it's me or just me but, i've been feeling rather cranky & tired for the past few days. maybe it's my period that's approaching. maybe it's school or, maybe, it's just some other reasons which i've to search deep into my soul.

" so please, please dnt take everything as a duty of mine then take & run just to leave me behind."

I'm tired, i'm really really tired but what can i do?

It's the first time in a few months i felt the tears well up in my eyes. i forgot the last time i ever cried / teared or have something to do with teary eyes. oh..

I came pass this & i think it's really beautiful.
"nobody's life is filled wit perfect lil moments. & if they were, they wouldn't be perfect lil moments, they'll just be normal. How would you ever know what is happiness when you've not experienced the downs?"

2008-02-23T23:25:00.004+08:00

I wish we could open our eyes & see every different direction at the same time.

I love my best friends, friend & my boyfriend.

Have you found whatever you've been searching for in life? i certainly have.

2008-02-22T23:08:00.002+08:00

Fuck you.

It felt as though everything was engulfed by the darkness created by my mind. the imagery of what used to be slowly becomes vague as each day passes by. from a picture so clear, it turned into a blurry vision. I forgot the way you look, the way you acted infront of me &, everything about you was at the back of my mind. however, i still wished to bump into you in any ordinary day just to do some catching up. we used to be whatever we thought we used to be. So very wrong were we. Seeing through each other's eyes, we saw how we could be. another side of life. another side of happiness &, another side of the ugly truth. Nothing can be kept in the dark forever dearie, certainly not this matter. Everything'll be revealed at the end of the day. so quit trying to cover it up for your sake.

This week has been a rather long week. It made me a lil more cranky than every other but best friends & boyfriend made it much better. i've been wanting to lose weight finally i resisted the temptaion of eating during recess though awfully sinful cheese cake is stuck in my mouth now. It's really nice... like strawberry, cheese, mmmmmm.

i feel fat now even after my soccer trainning which drained alot of my energy.

sometimes it makes me happy other times it upsets me but for today, it really annoyed me. tell me what can i do bout it.

2008-02-21T18:03:00.002+08:00

The tension built up behind me & that heart beat kept beating harder every second. i couldn't deny the fact that i was lucky when the bell went on me & i was saved by the fact that i had a lil more time to complete what i have yet to finish. + 13 more sketches. i'd cry & scream when i get home if he ever laid his fingers to tear those sketches i did. 23 sketches & some are going down the drain, that's a fact. How would you feel if you spent hours doing those 23 sketches but in a few minutes, it's all found in the waste. Not whole but bits and pieces.

Thursday was never known as the best day of the week yet some public strangers just have to stick their nosy attitude into situations that never bothered them. "can you lower down your volume? i'm really amazed!" amazed with WHAT? amazed with me having the ability to actually listen to full blast music early in the morning on the way to sch(?) It's a public transport for goodness sake & everyone has their free will to do whatever they want to... I'd understand if she was aslp & was awaken by me but, she was wide awake like an owl. I thought it was going to get better as the morning sun rises & breaks through from the darkness of the sky. i was so very wrong. Instead of having it better, it just got worst. worst than ever.

"What you said was crude enough to make me feel lower than ever."

2008-02-20T23:33:00.003+08:00

She came into my open arms just for a thrill. Just for a comfort. Like a child, she cried & said it hurt a little too much for her to withstand whatever that's physically & mentally painful. It felt as thou i feel how she felt yet i was startled when tears kept rolling down that pretty face. It's been years since i've seen her cry. Weeks, or even months, since i've held her the way i did in moments ago.

There wasn't much anyone could do. & i knew very well nothing/ nobody would ever understand the pain that's been crawling beneath her skin. Even when i say i feel how she felt, it was jsut merely what i've went through. It may differ... The tears never stopped till the younger one came to ask if everything was okay. walking out the room with guilt that grew in me for being unable to spend enough time with her stained my blood & i found myself having thoughts that went a lil too far.

A mother has always been important in part of a child's life. For her to be someone so great whom i look up to, i understood very well nobody will replace the position she stood in my heart. All these years. Till now even... & i believe, very strongly, all my life, nobody can take that position of her's away from my heart, soul, mind.

2008-02-19T16:34:00.002+08:00

The night grew older but nothing changed. Still the same imprints of shades black & white fading off that thin white sheet of paper. Nothing has been gotten off that heavy load of homework that's been assigned. 30 sketches still on the shelf, not taken off. Many things ran through that agony of mind but nothing seemed to be solved till this morning when it decided to run to the back of my mind.

i curled up in bed with his voice on the telephone but not long after i fell into deep sleep however, was awaken by a pressure that felt so real. hoping that it was just me & nothing else. After that.... i remembered nothing... i was too tired to educe anything out of me anyway.

Something just fucked up but seriously, there's nothing i can possibly do + it's not a matter anyone wants to pick on bout neither isit anything important.It's just one of those days you get your hair done, stick a smile on & then, you realise everything's going to go downhill just coz monday wasn't doing too well. Your voice makes my day + hugging a teddy+ no school or classes + late night talks &, of course, LAZY MORNINGS. Fk whatever tha's going to come after my CA.... i can't wait to get out of wherever i am, start to do crazy things & live my lazy life. Needs rest, unable to cop anymore. skip a heart beat when you see your papers flying back at your direction. i hate tests & i def nevr believed it'll define how much one understand something. hell, there's revision to be done. ooooooh no ): ...

cereals goes with milk & i'm drinking milk for once since a long time.

Who wants to watch vantage point with me?

2008-02-15T21:03:00.002+08:00

He was sweet, like... brown sugar, bottles of sweet. yeah whatever you can think of. Ants would come..

The excitment builds up as the surpirse unfolds itself. & the faint lines of a smile was shown on that face. Before ironing those crinkled bedsheets, i reprospected what happened that night. It was beautiful. He made 14th so wonderful.

Soccer got my lathergic ass moving& now, my legs are aching so badly that o can hardly bring myself to walk.

After sch was a few fucking fag i craved for & then, pp's.

I've got a best friend who literally starts a conversation with justin bobby ( her damn fish) & expects it to acknowledge her voice. To convey softly so as to avoid the fish from getting earless. i love you so much for talking to a fish. it's one in a million that a human would name it's fish/furniture or even talk to her best friend telling her to soften her tone down so as to prevent the fish from getting deaf.

EH BEST FRIEND, YOU LOVE ME MORE OR YOU LOVE YOUR FISH MORE? why don't i get a turtle & start talking to it while it nibbles on it's stupid vegetable. HEHEHE. we'll see who talks more to their pets eh? screw turtle, i still love you for being so... ... to talk to justin bobby. takes alot of courage to actually talk to something that'll never respond to you in public. (:

"He was the cause of those grimly days to dissappear, he drew a rainbow in my sky & brought a brighter sunshine. "

2008-02-11T00:18:00.000+08:00

It's best friend's birthday (: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGELA HUNNY BUNNY! You're 16... 16 know my dear. i lurbbe chewzxzx!.

2008-02-10T00:23:00.000+08:00

Melt away sweet lil nothing. I don't like the sight of your name being on my contact list but at the sametime, i realised we used to be friends, used to have something in common & i don't want to let what you did throw away what we had in the past.

It's funny how we drifted apart & it's funny how we never talk anymore. Some things constantly reminded me of you however, i avoid getting into deep thoughts & i happily let all those go to a waste coz i know no matter how hard we pretend nothing happened, i will not be able to do it. i don't take acting as my occupation. Maybe you do... i don't know.

Baby's watching soccer & i'm .. eating again. jelly this time. AHA *walks ard the house*

imisschewzxzx. I'm so glad i've found you.

2008-02-09T23:09:00.000+08:00

Save the Earth! 30 years down the road, you wouldn't want your kid to ask you why they can't see the sun rise or why didn't YOU take care of the environment earlier. I never conserve the environment til lthe day i saw plastic bags flying every where & bits & pieces of paper on the streets. i think they use environmental friendly bags instead of using plastic bags. *shrugs*

These two days have been rather busy with nothing but hanging out & slacking under blocks & parkway & town &... whatever. It's been so long since i've went out with my best friends together. Finally ange had the time to go out. & of course, the usuals, we had a hell lotta fun & we did stupid stuff. No, we're not stupid but we enjoy life just the way it is. life isn't all bout sch, work, stupid teachers... whatever. it's bout fun. haning out late, getting caught for stupid stuff, camwhoring like there's no tmr.

I've got the best friends in the whole entire WORLD LAH DEY. ayayayay.

This goes out to those people whom i have once been close to but not anymore. Either because of an arguement, fight, changes in class or even, just coz you went to NS / you've moved away to another country.

Talking lesser to each other doesn't mean that we're not friends anymore. We ARE still friends but not as close as what we used to be. I'm still here & you're still there. I now & understand very well that no matter how hard we try to pick up those pieces we've lost between the tracks of our own lives, we cannot get back what we used to have. Even if we do, it'll be awkward & ... yeah. Sometimes, we do say things which hurt each other but nevertheless, i still have your name on my friends list unless you did something unforgivable to me. But so far... i don't think anyone have done things that'll make me put their names on that hate list yet... maybe, one or two which i never talked to for more than a year. Get this clear, when i say i hate you, i just don't like you at that point of time . not for the rest of my life & of course, i don't hate the whole of you . Just some parts here & there that i dislike. I'm sorry if i've been mean & i'm sorry if i've hurt you in a way or another which makes you hate me. I'm crude at times, i gotta admit. & i can be really insensitive when i got scorned by the words you used on me. However, there're things which i never really took to my heart & i know that people say things they don't really mean in moments of furry. I don;t want to make things seem like when we're close friends, we're close but when we are not, i just leave you some place to rot & die in your own way. whatever it is, we're still friends if you want to be. I'll be there.

xoxo.

2008-02-08T22:35:00.000+08:00

This post is ... angry ... so get the hell out if you're having a bad day coz i swear after you read it, it'll make you want to throw vases at me & you'll probably tell me stop complaining & do something bout it. Don't advice me shit when you can't advice yourself on HOW BAD YOUR DAY WENT. haha! I'm on fire like it or not!

Screw it .. i lost my memory stick & this fucking sucks. Maybe God is telling me to get a new memory stick with a bigger memory. ahh i like. *slurps* It's so funny sometimes people use God as an excuse.

I'm going to be a bitch. As in.. a real fucking bitch & i'm going to scream at anyone who provokes me. looks like I've got some packing to do again since i have to search high & low for that lil piece of shit that contains so much memories. It's not the memory stick i'm going after, it's the pictures! i wished i haad magic now.. Renessa ... MAGIC!!! I saaw my memory stick this morning but it's.... poooooof gone into thin air. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE MY CAMERA CAN SWALLOW THAT CHIP IN. nooooooo never. it it could, then Sony will be very happy to have a coustomer that constantly buys their product every... week. ohhh... I'm complainging yet im not doing anything bout it.. yet. My memory stick can't fall out of my camera coz the fucking grip is so tight even when i shake the damn camera with my memory stick half stuck in the memory stick compartment, it CAN'T FALL FUCKING OUT. Blind pussies. Now i've got a monster who eats memory stick? what's next? a dragon that eats my lighter?

The last thing i want now is someone to call/text/msn me & ask .. so how was your day? How much money have you collected? FOR FUCK'S SAKE I CAN'T VISIT THIS YEAR SO , STFU. now, i really want baby to be beside me.

What i get for searching for my memorystik is a stupid mother shouting at me!

I feel like punching her face. WTFFFFFFF. I WAS SEARCHNG FOR MY MEMORY STICK ... WHO THE FUCK WILL STAY CALM LIKE A DOG SLEEPING WHEN THEY LOST THEIR MEMORY STICK? I WOULDN'T! !@#$%^^()

2008-02-07T04:27:00.001+08:00

ILOVEYOU. The one who constantly tell me i'm just like a baby.

2008-02-06T21:53:00.000+08:00

it isn't all that wise to wear a black outfit for reunion dinner but i did it anyway finishing it with a black beanie.

I slept on the sofa with the damn book slapped on my face ytd night however, nothing stopped me from attending school. The only reason i went to school was because i would be spending time with voldie & baby.

I'm not changed into my pajamas...yet. i have not wash up . i have not recieve any text from voldie on her getting home safely. &... of course, i feel very sleepy now.

sometimes, i look through everything & i start to ask myself why... why did i go through fuck when it wasn't even meant for us. Why the eff did i even reply you? & i felt myself squashed up in the shoulders of the past. Yes, it was rather stupid. Yes, we didn't have to go through all that trouble when we could have just left it all alone. No, it hasn't left my mind on whatever that has happened coz someday i know someone will have to pay back all that fuck that happened. I don't hold a grudge against anything but i just never understood why that shit happened for no reasons. it could have been avoided. i could have been smarter. i could have known it ealier. but how the fuck did i manage to hang on till the very end & still think that you were honest & a nice whatever?

I hate you. i hate you like a mother who hates the rappist who raped her child. I don't know why i thought of that... but yeah, seriously. looking at it just makes me hate you more. OOOOH. no ... You knew what you did. you knew it very very well. nobody knows it as well as you yourself do. i mean, you lied... you could have lied every other time. We all thought it was true, whatever lie you told. I , they, everyone who knew us thought it was true but NOoooooo. never was it true.

go suck dicks for life & get show that fucking pussy in you. you cunt.

2008-02-05T22:13:00.000+08:00

Mother fucker bitch with an ass head & a "cunt" all hacked on your forehead. Face it, you'll never get it so get your hands off & fuck off from my sight. Don't pretend to want to get a quick glance in my direction when your face clearly states that you just want to check me out. I have no ears to reach over to wherever you setteled yourself the other day. However, your fucking cunt whore face leaked every thing out. ouch. i'm sorry did that hurt? NONONO *says it in amy winehouse's way* So much of insulting me. Seriously, get an effing life. you dare tell anyone that you can act when your face can't even keep a single thing from leaking out(?) .

I just feel bitchy now although i'm ... tired. This week is a rather short week & i'll probably be spending my whole week with best friends & baby. damn happy mmanzxzx. Please don't mention the collecting of red packets session. none for me this year. wooooots. Well, closest to me will know why. Therefore, with no need of going house to house just for the red pcakets, I CAN WAKE UP LATE & SLEEP LATE & HANG OUT LATEEEEEEEEEEEE. i can spend my time with my family as well instead of spending time with unknown relatives. HOHOZXZX.

i'm very happy tday. heheeeeeeeee.

2008-02-04T00:02:00.000+08:00

"you're my sweetest."

Light up a fag & relax every muscle in your body.

It all comes down to one thing at the end of the day. O levels aren't anywhere far from feb & when i sit there in the hall full of tension, i don't want to end up crying reason being: i didn't do well. Everyone has the potential of doing well don't they? The matter of fact is if you chose to go for it or not. i feel the lazy-ness building up in me. For umpteen times i've heard my tutor repeat herself on the topic " you can't slack anymore."

I know, i know. There's so many effing things i knew in life but i never put them in full use.

There's a test tmr & i promise to study for it. i'm going to study for every upcoming test & i'm going to score for it. (:

"i love the way you smile all the time"

2008-01-31T19:30:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, it's not about me. It's not about them. It's just about this world that makes me feel so alone & it makes me feel as thou no one ever understood everything that came by my way, every looming cloud that made the caribbean sun disappear behind it. nobody could possibly admit that their life was smooth sailing neither will anyone say that their life was nothing but a nightmare of what seems to haunt them everyday be it in their illusions or what they see everyday.

"pull me back to reality"

We meet new people each day, learn how this world can turn in a matter of seconds & idenify the wonderdful things in life. However, at times, the world is so fast, so plastered by the lies & the stereotypical acts that ee, ourselves can't see what is good or bad, sweet or sour. It's nice to know that someone has the same thought in mind but i don't know who feels the same at the moment.

This is going out to all those i love & i promise you that my love willend only when the day my heart stops beating. I don't promise you that you'll smile or cry after this post. It's not life changing either. however, i assure you that it's from the bottom of my heart.

There were times when i fell. Times when i wanted to give up & times when i really wnated to fall into a hole & hide myself in a place where no one will ever find me. through all these times, i have to admit that even through those tears, there were sunshine above me. I'm sorry sometimes those grey clouds covered the glittery sparks of the sun.

I'm really contented to have all of you through the rain & shine, thick & thin. You learnt me inside out & saw the smile through my tears. Beleived in me & told me that i can do it even when i didn't have the courage to. As i stare through the silence of the empty room, the faces come into a blurr vision.finally, i pictured every moment i had with each of you. when i look into the eys of each face, i knew what i"ve found in life. Something no one can take away, I don't want to cover the traces of how i got here. I don't want to take this for granted. Because if i do, i don't think I'll ever be able to crss paths with people like you again. It's a once in a lifetime thing & i'd die for it.

Today, i learnt that no one is perfect & no matter how hard i strive for it, perfection is something nobody can define. It's different in every perspective. For me, my best friends are perfect. i wanna take pictures of every moment i have with all of you. not with my camera but with the memory of what my brain contains. I wish i could extend this life so we'll be able to spend more time together. this life, Nights are short, days are long yet we complain that we don't have enough time. with each day, i wake up with excitment rapt on my face knowing that you all will always be there no matter what happens & will make thing right even if it seems so difficult. I love those smiles on your faces coz it means alot to me.

Thanks for everything, love.

2008-01-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

The night seems so much shorter than the day yet we always find us complaining about having not enough time in what so ever we're up to.

Spending time with mum at a cafe can actually turn out to be a relaxing time.

The fast approaching CAs & O level prep works has been taking too much time in my life & i feel really sorry bout not being able to spend time with my parents/ family lately. Friday after schools used to be spending time with mum. however, for this year, soccer training falls on a friday & by the time i get home frm training, my sisters would be crowding around mum for, whatever seems to be the reason. 0.0 ...

Weekends were well spent & i enjoyed myself very much. tmr's monday & i bet you everyone's having the pre monday blues now .

i'll do the pictures ltr, i'm a lil tired now...

i'm saving up.

2008-01-24T17:21:00.000+08:00

Sucker.

2008-01-23T19:12:00.000+08:00

"your nightmare has just began" ouh, eff.

A few sticks could make the day better i swear. i have to admit that i'm not fully recovered from ytd's but, i guess, i did a good job by not sleeping in class today. The most important thing i had to add to my to do list is to lose me weight till i get the weight i am happy with. I'm fine with my size but i just dnt like those numbers. It sucks & you dnt knw how much it bothers a girl (: ... that's why i always hear my mum complaining that she's growing side ways when she herself is skinnier than me. wtf(?) .

I did not make full use of my ytd coz i slept my day away. I have a summary to be done & to be passed up on monday so, i'm going to wait for friday to come before i do it. i realised i need tuition for chemistry coz, somehow i dn't understand the stupid thing that is going on in class. the experiments are driving me crazy & all i do in the chem lab is sit down there & wait for my pretty partner to tell me what's going on (: ... okay... i did my part but i still don't understand.

Art's driving me crazy ... my sketches are all over my room & to be honest, i feel that it can be a dread to do art at times. it's all bout imagination & inspiration. i can't force art out of my head it comes naturally as & when i feeeeel like doing it. feeeeeeel like .

Last year, i ate a whole tube of toothpaste just to get fever but never worked.

Last year, ate lychee, longan & drank milk just to get a tummy ache but it never worked.

but, this year ... no more nonsense. After O levels, i'll burn my books & i'll throw all my pens into the sea! this is so ... stupid but i feel so crude today. ((: nicole.

ah well... i didn't get to meet baby today ... ): *looks down*

I hear my sister shouting:" i'm doing my ARRRRRRRRRRRT." oh my goodness... art.

2008-01-22T18:11:00.000+08:00

Starbucks with mum can be a very good thing. Coz you can do some catching up anytime. (:

I decided not to go to sch since i had a slight fever so, i stayed at home & visited the doctor instead.

there's PE tmr ):

2008-01-21T22:50:00.000+08:00

“take the first step & discover something much more worthwhile.”

I’ve been feeling rather worked up today although everything seemed to be fine. When I feel unhappy all I do is rent my anger & type out documents on how I feel at the moment. That somehow explains why my computer has a folder filled with word documents. I feel like breaking down now, I feel like crying & I feel like running into the arms of whoever who is kind enough to hear me out. I don’t know what has gotten into me. Today seemed rather fine when school started but, as the clock ticks & as time passes, I realized, I don’t feel all that right anymore. I feel, something’s bothering me & something in me is missing. I search but nothing seems to help either way.

It’s just abnormal to be happy everyday, sometimes I just wonder how dad can actually live in HK with so much work he has to finish. I wonder how it feels like to support a family. How does it feel like to be away from your loved ones? I don’t know. I just miss dad.

Maybe it’s my period. Maybe, it’s the stress that I feel on my shoulders or maybe, it’s the pressure they’ve put into me. I’ve come to the senses that everyone has flaws & nobody is perfect. There’s no way to run. No way to hide the flaws in us. Therefore, no matter what I do, I have to give my best & my best is everything I’ve got. No point pondering over unanswered questions.

I feel mood less.

something to be happy bout would have to be that bryan is back & he can contact val so they both can help me comment on my art work. yeah, everything seems to be bout o levels.

I’m cutting down on my food consumption & I’m going to step on the weighting machine with a smile on my face when I see my weight.

I love you boyfriend, I love you best friends.

they ask me why i bother & i answered. If i don't make things clear, things are just going to drag down further. so, Tim, i dn't think you deserve a sorry, like what i told you. i don't see the reason anymore & i'm shutting all doors. i seriously am. you don't deserve people to be nice to you when you take everything in this world for granted. F you bastard.

2008-01-20T21:47:00.000+08:00

it's so funny. we still click after the war we had between us. I still could remember the day i threw my effing nice phone on the floor.i dnt want to relive it back to life anyway.

if i could, i'll write a letter to God & i'll thank him for everything i've got today although some returned back into his hands.

i feel so accomplished today. i did my homework after math tuition & hell ... i finished it even though i felt like throwing all my fullscap paper in the bin (: ... i don't know what got into my head, but i know i need to study & i'm going to listen in class tmr nomatter what happens.

Having macs at 9 makes you have tummy ache, it's so contradicting when i say i'm going to lose weight yet i eat so much. why can't i be those who eat yet be as skinny as i define as slim? WHY? i promise weekdays would be less fattening food while weekends would be pig out okay? please )): .

2008-01-19T23:30:00.000+08:00

The brain works in such a funny way that it only remember stuff which it choose to remember . !

I've got no idea how i squirmed my way out of the convo my mum had with me but, i just did it.

Tmr's tuition & will probably one of those lazy sunday whereby the family stays at home & sits infront of the television while i myself will have a good time running ard the house either using the computer, packing my room or just, lazing around the house (: . it's nice to have the family doing stuff together but, sadly, daddy would only be joining us through the phone calls every night at 7pm (: .... don't you just love phone calls at 7pm asking if you've eaten or not & how was your day etc. ohh wells.

After resisting food for the entire day, i've made my way home for ... some light salad ? ... uh huh . i still feel hungry yet i'm lazy to find food to munch on. WOOOHO.

I feel rather tired at the moment coz i woke up at around 8 for voldie since she was coming over to my house reason being: she was too lazy to do flag day & stuff so she decided to come over. After her so called "flag day" ended, we headed down to town with sotong to meet nissa, terence, moose, ganesh, omar, jason.

I feel really happy today coz i got to see baby (: it's been 4 days since i've seen him wheeeeeeee.!

2008-01-18T23:35:00.000+08:00

I've became ange's canvas. yes, my best friend draws on me during lesson time. one thing for sure is, i'll never ever fall aslp whenever she does that. HOHO. i've completed a few of my sketches for art prep work & i;ve got all my ideas planned out. (:

i skipped training to meet nessa & ange to mug.

2008-01-17T20:32:00.000+08:00

i can't reverse time, can't make the hands of the clock rotate in the opposite direction. what's gone is gone & it's sooner or later that i've to accept it. today was grand aunt's. Was also the first time i saw grandma cry. Also the first time i felt like as though i have to accept everything that came by my way. i guess, i felt it, i felt it when i was hit by granddad's death. Maybe, some people just get used to it that's why they dnt feel anything.

I need therapy. I was never that type who'll sit in class & NEVER fall aslp. However, today, i tried my very best to stay awake in every circumstance. I've got lots of work waiting for me. i've gt my art to start, i got my ss to finish. i've got so much things.

I don't feel like going for soccer tmr.

I miss you.

2008-01-16T21:59:00.000+08:00

I'm going to lose weight, i'm going to work out three times a week, i'm going to plan my timetable, i'm going to study hard & i'm going to score well for my Os.

I'll promise not to sleep in class & i'll finish at least one book in two week's time. the raod narrows & everything enjoyable turns into history while all that i could see in my vision is: O levels. It's such a dread to attend sch every morning at such an hour. i hate it. i hate it to the very core. why? coz, i don't like early lonely long bus rides & i don't like that boy who disturbs me on the bus.

I've started to bring back my TYS home for revision. it's only jan & i could feel the pressure heating up my head. sometimes i feel so useless i feel that i'm unable accomplish anything. i know i can do it but, i feel lazy. i need motivation. can someone effing tell me to start studying or else, i will not be able to do my course after O levels!

2008-01-16T00:10:00.000+08:00

Mum awaited me at the door step while I got home. Today was wonderful. Nothing beats having the best people around the table when you’re having your meal. The atmosphere was lovely not forgetting the food as well (: … I feel really captivated. It’s been rather long since I’ve felt this way. I could feel my heart & I was really enjoying myself. I almost forgot how to feel that way till I experienced today. Nothing can describe how I feel on the inside & no one will be able to feel it unless you crawl in my skin.

His eyes glinted so brightly under the clearness of the moon & everything starts to disappear one by one leaving him right in front of the picture.

I feel so happy (:

2008-01-14T21:40:00.000+08:00

Thou hearing the news of grand aunt's death was devastating, i didn't show much of it today. i guess, i saw it coming & it ain't the first time i'm hearing news from the gates of heaven. Grand dad seems really sad over it ... & to make it worst, i don't know how to comfort him ): ...

"Because you make me believe in myself When nobody else can help"

I love you, boyfriend.

2008-01-13T18:09:00.000+08:00

I think it's really sweet for a guy to play his guitar & sing a song just to catch a girl's heart (: .

i felt a lil cazy & i deleted all my songs in the sonicstage library. yay baby.

I hate indecisive people who ask others to give them time. how much of fucking time you want when you wasted enough already? Oh, you bloody twat.! @#$%^&*()_+. Now i know why some people can't stand you. tsk.

2008-01-13T10:20:00.000+08:00

I feel a lil fucked up & dog tired today. Need energy. However, i still feel happy (:

2008-01-11T22:45:00.001+08:00

I feel so tired but i don't seem to be able to fall aslp. School was the usual timming 7.25 am - 6pm. it's pathetic & i guess that's the reason why i feel so drained out.

I'm yawning every minute & i have to admit that my eyes will give way any time. I've became an art piece for angela to draw on. appreantly, i've got a few i love you & a huge amount of smiley faces drawn on my leg. Scrubbing em off didn't work much coz all that happened was: the ink just faded on my skin!

after sch was gladys's house. It's really nice to see some familiar faces smiling at me while i entered the warm room. birthday girl turned 16 & had her boyfriend to celebrate it together with her. It's damn sweet to see em singing & taking pictures together right infront of the birthday cake. i know it sounds cheesy but, it's pretty(: ...

i love people & i lvoe talking. omg im so tired im saying random stuff.

2008-01-10T18:48:00.000+08:00

I guess those fiery attitude gotta go down the drain & i have to train for more patience. It's just the snap of an eye & friday's coming along the way again. Time passed soo fast, things happened too much & i realised, after going to sch for the whole week, i've not learnt a thing. Those motivational talks are draining the shit out of me & i so miss retreat. Tehre's another 10 hours of jail cell tmr. which, i don't feel like going...

To JY:

when i love someone, i'll give my best shot & if i'm not giving my 100% or bestest shot, i wouldn't get invovlved in it. Please do not force me into something i do not want to do. Please do not tell me that it's okay if i'm not giving my 100%. I know very well that the phrase :" it's okay if you're not giving your 100%." is a lie. It'll eventually become a problem & it's very unfair to you. i don't want to be unfair to you, i don't want to hurt you & i don't want to hurt myself. I know, so many "I"s ... i feel so selfish. But it's really how i feel. If there's so many someone else out there who likes me, does it mean that i have to give everyone of them a chance? i don't want to decieve myself . I'm just following my heart & sometimes it can be really harsh. I know everyone's afraid of rejection. I am to. But sometimes, you just have to reject it to save everything frm going down the drain. I'm sorry, i really really am. we've been friends for awhile & i enjoyed being friends with you. i never thought something more will grow out of the friendship we have. I still love you as a friend but not more than that. There's someone out there which i'm fond of & i'm willing to give him my 100% thou i don't know if he's willing to do that or not.

2008-01-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

I HAVE A JAIL CELL TO ATTEND TO FOR 3 DAYS & I HAVE TO STAY IN THERE FOR 10 HRS EACH. WHICH MEANS, 30 HRS OF JAIL CELL-ING (:

2008-01-08T23:58:00.000+08:00

moving on takes my 100%. Loving someone takes my 100% as well. If i dnt put in 100% i'll never do it.

I finally got the time to sit down here & blog with a cup of green tea next to me & the phone near my ear- best friends.

School was pretty fucked up coz retreat reminded me of my family & the time where dad shouted at me " don't call me dad, i'm not your dad anymore, i've got no daughter like you; one that smokes." i felt so horrible & everything brought me back to when it was.

another thing retreat taught me was to forgive & forget. It took a part of me to actually give a note to this friend of mine which i fell out with. i've enjoyed retreat but, it also got me crying like a baby.

oh god, i've got sch till 6 tmr, thurs & fri. i'm dog tired & i feel so stressed writing a compo on britney spears. Yes, of all, i've got to choose her.

2008-01-07T20:31:00.000+08:00

The long sch hours got me dog tired & i couldn't help it when my eyes shut on me. I've gotta admit that i was so dog tired my brains weren't functioning well & i just texted someone i shouldn't have.

Retreat wasn't all that bad afterall. It got me thinking bout lots of things. Example: My best friends, someone, my ex boyfriend & all those who have made my life a whole lot better. Everything touched me for a reason & i cried. i cried so badly i felt like running out of wherever i was. i just feel like hugging someone & talking to soemone on how happy i am to have all of em in my life & how much i do not want them to leave.

Sometimes, everything tends to hurt me in a way or another. I don't know why i still run back to those things even thou it hurts. I guess, it's just the way how things work themselves out.

I've thought too deeply i;m loosing myself & i'm sinking in back to every memory of things that used to be.

I've been a lil too emo this few days & i feel very depressed. i don't know who can save me from me coz i do not want to die of depression. it's slowly suffocating me & i'm tired but, i still want to think of someone.

Best friends: thanks for being there all the time. i promise you all everything. I'm sorry i can't be happy all the time. I feel very tired of everything that's been going through my mind. you all know very well, what it is. I'm sorry if i hurt you in a way or anoher when im sad. Sometimes, i just can't help it. this year seems so tough & rough thou i said it's going to be fast. It's the begining of the year bt i feel that everything's slapping into my face. Thanks for being there for all this while. i love you.

love, nic.

2008-01-06T18:19:00.000+08:00

The odour of anti bacterium spray never smelt as horrible as ever & i've never walked into the hospital with such sadness. i was afraid, too afraid to see everything that was going on around me. Those blue uniforms & sad faces didn't help me lighten up either. Neither did the prescence of my sister.

The feebleness got me weak to the heart. Her cheerful & strong attitude helped me understand what's true happiness. I know i'll never be as strong as how she portrayed herself to be & i'm really proud to see her the way she was today thou part of me knows that somethings just gotta go.

I do not know what the future holds, all i know is, i've got great people around me, i've finally understood the true meaning of living today like it was the last day, i've finally realised why i shouldn't take things for granted. Grand dad's death taught me alot of things. Much more than what this world could show me.

i get so high at times & i get pretty low unpredictably. But one thing's for sure, there's someone who is capable of bringing me to cloud 9 even when i'm unhappy. There're times when i really do not know which way to go & sometimes i feel really flustered by every emotion that comes into me. But, thank you for being there.

Some questions come with answers like a package, some don't while others lay around in the grey parts of this world.

2008-01-06T00:49:00.000+08:00

I love heart to heart talks with best friends.
I realise talking to terence through the phone can be so much of fun.
I love the taste of white & red wine.
I'd love to scream & shout across the sea if someone i love was beside me.
I never thought being in love was so beautiful till i lost it.
I miss the feeling of being loved.
I never thought i could shout at tim on the phone.
I never thought coffee was 98% of water.
I never thought i'm able to get over him.
Skin-head guys reminds me of what he used to be.
Some songs reminds me of those memories we had.
&it kind of goes on ...

I thought 08 would be a blithe yet abrupt year. However, i never thought i'll have to suffer the despondency of loosing someone beloved again. Last year's was enough to break my already broken heart. nothing could probably get me as devastated as ever. I understand everyone has to go but what i don't understand is why do they have to go as fast as the click sound made by the camera & why do they have to go one after another. I feel like as if i'm standing in a fast motioned picture whereby everything around me is changing yet i just stand there looking at the changes, dwelling in every ghost of what life used to be.

Life never used to be so much of trouble coz life as a kid was all childish & innocent. I'm growing up a lil too fast & i really do not want to go through the pain of loosing anyone anymore even thou i know that someday, somewhere, it'll happen & i can never avoid it. You told me to run away frm everything & laugh everything off just to be happy, just for kicks. somehow, when i ran away, laughing so hard, it stung me hard enough to stop my breathe. I'm sorry, everything i do suffocates me. i promised you to be happy every other day ... I can't do it anymore. with all those up coming exams + the reality of loosing someone again.. It's just ... so, hard to imagine.

Everyone would say that death is part of life & they'll start telling you you should be happy. How many of you really know how i'm feeling now? when was the last time you faced a death one at the end of last year & another one at the begining of the year + the heart breaks that plastered all your body? when was that? I feel so numb that i couldn't feel my bones anymore. & sometimes, i feel so hurt that i could feel my bones breaking, piercing through my heart. I have no idea how am i going to face this wrld anymore. I do not want to feel the pain that suffocates me. I do not want to go through all the pain anymore. i just don't.

yes, they have to go ... BUT why the fuck isit happening so fast? no one can ans me...Why is this world so mercurial? why can't the world be at peace, why can't we see people flawlessly? why can't we let em live longer ? Why are there so much of suffering in this world? what is this world turning into? why the fuck others like cheating on people? why isit that others like the sight of breaking someone's heart?
no, i never understood all this & i feel very upset that i'm unable to do anything. It takes two hands to clap.

To my best friends:" i'm so thankful i've found people like you & i love you all very much . i don't want to loose any of you & i'm not going to let you all loose me either. thks for being ther all this while. im so glad i've got you all by myside."

2008-01-04T19:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes you can never refrain from those juicy gossips you hear frm every other classmate you see around sch however, once you get involved in it, it's a story that never ends. Weeks & weeks of bitching seems like a bore but, sometimes you get so involved in it, your world revolves round nothing but gossips of This & that & this & that. You never get the chance to run out of the gossip coz you do, sometimes, get a lil too interested in it.

There's no better way to spoil the day other than these words :" Girls, your o levels are coming soon & we have to finish this syllabus by MAY." Hell... May, it's only five months before may emerges from the surface of 08. With the public holidays & weekends striked out, there's only about four months to actually finish the syllabus of every subject that everyone has to take for O lvls. It's like a speed race & i believe that i'm behind time. I've got 8 mths to do my causework. 8 fucking months sound so long but noooooooo... It's just a snap of the fingers. Not only the art causework has to be accomplished by the end of 8 mths, there's other sunjects to revise + last years work. Art causwork was supposed to be accomplished by the end of 10 mths but, the obdurate MOE had to cut it down to 8 mths & push the o lvls forward. I feel so pressurized yet i'm still sitting behind the screen posting this up.

I'm so reluctant to get my sch handbook coz i believe that it's a waste of money. i never had the habit of reminding myself of what to bring to sch the next day & i never plan to remember anything on my journal since i've already got a planner. However, very sadly, poor me, i've got no choice but to get it because, they had all the event planned out on the calander in my journal. It sucks. I wished time could go slower so i'll have enought time to revise & worj everything out for O lvls.

2008-01-03T19:04:00.000+08:00

I guess, it just isn't my day today. O levels are approaching in no time & all i could ever hear in class was... "girls, there's only.... days left." I honestly do not need those reminders coz, it's already stuck in my head + it's treatening the life out of me. I've decided to head home early everyday so i'll be able to take a rest before i start studying. i seriously have no more time to hang around in the air... i've got my art cause work & i only got 8 months to finish it... + the other ssubjects to revise.

It's just the begining of the year & i'm already feeling the pressure. I don't know what's going to happen next...

I couldn't believe you still had the guts to ask me if i've got a spare phone to lend you or, even, walk up to me & squeeze my neck like whatever happened was a joke.

I love ange & nessa. oh my gooodnesszx.

2008-01-02T21:54:00.000+08:00

To tim: (i feel like screaming at you)

Please stop fucking calling me as & when you like to. I'm not your doll & i don't even want to entertain you when you're bored. if you'd been an honest & nice friend to me, i'll be really happy to talk to you but, it's the opposite way. i'm sorry i have to do this. Yes im mean when you've been mean towards me. i hate you. i hate you to the very core. So much so that i think Jon might be much better than who you are infront of my eyes & behind my back. As a friend, there were so many lies you told & so many shit you've done. telling me this & doing the opposite. Maybe you could not believe that i'm doing this. i have no other way anymore. We're not a pair & i don;t think we'll ever be coz i've seen how you can really be. Don't tell me you do not have a girlfriend when someone saw you holding hands with a girl ard town. There's eyes everywhere tim, i swear. Just stop it... If you thought that i was going to be the right one, i'm telling you this... I'm not. & it goes same to me, you're not the one. i'm sure we'll meet many other people out there & i can be very sure that things might change. However, for the time being, i dn't want you invading into my stuff & calling me as & when you like to. i've got enough of your shit & i've told you over & over again, there's someone on my mind already. I do not know if he feels the same but, i know i do have smth for him. that's it... inside my eyes, for so long, you've never been a good friend. So much for being a better friend than Jon. seriously, as a friend, i used to put up with all your rich kid shit attitude. i'm sorry if you're going to throw your face like that, i don't think anyone is ever going to like you for who you are. Just reflect on it.
I'll repeat it again.
: Do not pester me & cal me or tell me, i'm the one for you or, you're the one for me. there's someone on my mind already. I do not knw if he feels the same but, i know i've got smth for him. I'm sorry i have to use such harsh tones... but i can't tolerate it anymore.

2008-01-02T19:48:00.000+08:00

Starting the day off with someone on my mind.

The Craving for a fag every now & then is getting on those nerves that constantly beats with nicotine in the bloodstream. Everything got it's limits, things were getting beneath my skin, crawling like ants & i could feel it... suddenly finally burst out to find myself screaming at the face of mel's telling her i need either a fag or a gum to chew on. the feeling is, definately the worst feeling i've ever got over in years. after much of hesitation to get a fag in the toilet or to get a gum to chew on, i've finally decided to settle with the gum. I have cravings but at the same time, i can control it as well.

As i started to walk into the overcrowded gate of my sch, i could feel the pressure going through my head... those words" oh my goodness, nicole, you're sec 4 & you're going to take you o levels." The fear of it wasn't shown in my eyes but in my heart so, not much of them saw it through (: ...

Catching a glimpse of dawn was never written on my planner in the holidays therefore, today's the first time... very pretty.... i've got red-rimmed eyes. Principal walking up the stage reciting all those stupid fucked up sch rules & every other shit that concerned your sch life made me sleep half way through the assembly. My eyes were so keen to shut itself. i swear no one was even listening except for a few of... sec 1s maybe?

Nevertheless, i could say that first days are always nice to have a get together time with your friends. Caught up a lil here & there. Had myself beside ange coz we both decided to sit infront to listen attentively inorder to get past this year's ... Sitting with hunny is never boring. she'll never let me sleep in class & she'll always try talking to me but when it's my turn to start talking, she'll go" tsk, shh listen lah!" (: ... She vandalised my legs today not with drawings but with some writtings. I was repeating you-know_who's name & i think ange got irritated. !

After sch time are never "going home" time. hung ard with ange & nessa till the early evening till i decided to head home for a shower & dinner.

I'm not eating tmr. promise.

no, you proved me wrong when i thought i couldn't fall head over heels again.

2008-01-01T19:12:00.000+08:00

Special thanks to Ange, nessa, nissa, sotong, moose, ganes, terence, jason, omar, shaq for this:

"mummy!! why you opened the doooooor!!?!" (: ... I had fun & it's very unforgettable :D.

I never believed in changing for someone but today, i think i'm starting to understand why do people do change for someone at times.

2007-12-31T19:22:00.000+08:00

08's in a few mins time.

07 has been a great year & i've learn alot from what i've went through. I don't blame anyone for all the pain that i've gone through but i want to thank all those who were there for me since day .

Renessa & ange.
Hello best friends. Another year has gone & we've been together for 6 years already. We've been going thru alot tgt & i believe that there's more to come. I promise you both with every piece of my heart that i'll be there nomatter what. I remember every silly talk bout "oh my goodness, i grew fatter again", " ehh we're all turning one year older, i can't wait to be 18, 21." or, " I need fking diet, i'm like a balloon now." I love you very much. Remember all those heart breaks & heart aches we saw each other going thru? you guys have seen me grow & i've seen both of you grow. It's lovely to see what both of you've became today. You're lovely in anyway & everyway. The world doesn't matter now that you guys are around me.We'll last till the end of time.

Sotong.
Best friend. thou we've known each other less than 6 years, i believed that we've gone thru alot as well. you've seen me cry, laugh &... drunk. i'm so sorry i even puked on you. HAHAHA! But whatever it is, i'm really glad we've crossed paths. It's a new year, new begining. study hard (: ! Nicotine gums aren't a big help so, i've decided to bring organic food along so, i can diet & control my cravings for nicotine at the same time. Good idea ehh ?

Moose, Terence, ganesh, Jason, Omar, Shaq.
Thanks again for everything. i know i've said it many times but, i'm going to say it again. Thou we've known each other less than a year or so, i'm really glad i've met all of you. & i definately will not forget what happened the first time we met ... I'd really wuldn't make it home wihout all of you(: . i got that motorbike on my table already :b. Rock on okay... We'll last =D. Terence, thanks for being my motivation (: & that poem you composed yourself was... HAHAHA.

Bryan.

EEEEEEEEhhhhh. you broke your leg :B! . i feel so mean saying that. but, it's true? HOHOZXZX.Firstly, i'd really want to thank you for always being free to actually talk to me on the phone & stuff. Secondly, i'm so thankful for all those times when you came dwn to whereever i was just coz i felt unhappy. Thirdly, i'm sorry bout what happened to your ... leg & YL. pls, it's a new year so, new person to go after. you've been after her for how many years already? i'm really impressed by your hardwork but, she just isn't he one. Pls enjoy NS-ing. thanks for waking me up when i was still dreaming & contradicting myself bout my ex.

Johnathan ng.

IIIIIIIIIdiot. You're in m'sia & you'll only be back like... ... Anyway, thanks for being there when i cried & stuff. esp when i broke up, you were talking to me on the phone & everything. You kind of shoo-ed all those stuff i fear + you comfort me in every way you can even thou you're in a bad mood. I'm so sorry i've shown a lil of attitude here & there. I'm really glad for all those late night talks & stupid jokes + bitching & everything. i love your tattoo.!

Benedict.
You're resolution would be... getting that girl & ... waiting for your gucci wallet from me. Then one of my resolutions would be getting ben a wallet?! (: ... Thanks for cheering me up just now & sending me that song i've always wanted. hohohozxzx.! ...

Calvin.
You're doing duty in camp on new year's eve & i really have nothing to say bout it coz, i could hear the both of us bursting into laughter like how we used to be before we got together. it's nice to have you to call & wish me a happy new year. i'm really sorry you had to do duty tonight & couldn't enjoy. But, i guess, you're having fun in camp anyway (: .

New year's resolution : One of em will be cutting dwn & stuff. i got motivation HAAHA. (:

2007-12-31T00:57:00.000+08:00

It was a dream in a dream & i never thought i could pull myself out of that bed till i muttered something & right infront of my eyes was a piece of picture of my surrondings & something demonic haunting the heart of mine, filling thoughts into my mind & taking the soul to wander. Couldn't scream, couldn't move...I thought i was awake but noone could hear me. Till i mumbled those words "God, where are you" That was when the second dream went away & left my body still laying in the first dream..Feeling the soul of mine parting the body; leaving it stone cold. The demon there was pulling it out like an evil one trying to take a soul. sucking it clean. I saw that soul smiling at my beloved mum's direction & i felt the evilness in it. Then... i said Our Father two - three times still i had the chance to be fully awake again. I almost ... died.

2007-12-30T11:22:00.000+08:00

The sound of beeping frm mum's mobile still triggers my heart. It makes me feel like i'm having a heart attack. Sometimes i feel like i'm a problematic bitch which goes ard complaining but, i can't help it most of the time. (: ...

It's a step i took coz, i take every chance i have. If you overlooked that chance, it'll never come back again.

2007-12-29T21:01:00.000+08:00

To Grandpa.;

I know I can never call to hear your voice ever again. i know i'll never see you smile or hear you calling my name anymore. i also know that you'll never sit at the same table we've eaten all this 15 yrs when you were there. I know many many things that'll never stay the same. There's so many things you haven't done with me. So many things you've never seen me achieve yet. Maybe, you're somewhere i call heaven & i know you're happy just coz you've came into my dreams to tell me everything's fine. However, things aren't the same here. Dady's so sad. he told mummy that he is still waiting for you to come home from your lil trip but, every night he goes to bed in disappointment knowing that you aren't home yet.

There's so many things which i always wanted to tell you but now, i'll never have the chance to, ever again. you went so fast. you slept away, you slept & left me here. i have no chance to see you laugh, smile anymore. not even your face in the four walls i live in. All i could do to see your face was, close my eyes or, open a photo album full of memories & faded pictures. i miss you. i miss you very very much. I thought we would still have the chance to talk to each other after the phone call on september. i thought i'll see you face to face this christmas. But.... all i saw was your cold body on september. laying there so peacefully ... cut out from the moans & cries . You were one of the best things that ever happened in my life. & one of the worst things was your death. Everything came just a lil too fast.

Everyone said, it's a good thing you went without much pain. it's a good thing you're somewhere where by there's enternal life. they say, be happy coz you don't want to see me cry. But, i can't do it... i can't ... i really really can't be happy coz you're gone. i want to dwell here a lil longer , i want to dwell in your presence. i don't want to accept it yet...

I want to tell you

I love you very much.

I never thought you'll run frm this world.

i've always wanted to hug you.

i've always wanted to take a picture of you & i.

i've wanted to hug you when you were on your death bed.

I wanted to fly back just to see you.

I regreted not calling you every month.

I regreted not doing all those things i wanted to do all along.

I never knew ho much it'll break me to know that you wouldn't be there on christmas or birthday.

Everything's so different without you over in HK. Grandma & daddy & everyone couldn' smile like how they did anymore. they all miss you very much.

Grandpa.. come back, once in a while... to see me, to tell me to study hard. to tell me to smile & tell me... to be a good girl.

I love you grandpa. i love you...

You never want to see me unhappy. but, i'm sorry i couldn't smile while im typing this post...

a picture of folded memories, faded achievements, smiles of hardwork.

2007-12-29T07:49:00.001+08:00

I'm wide awake like i had alcohol ytd & the hangover is getting into me. I just couldn't get to bed after talking to johnathan on the tele. There was so much to talk bout... i was bitching bout whoever when he noticed why i kind of dislike that person. I've been feeling rather slack-ish to blog bout everything that has happened while i was at HK coz i was too plastered with the excitment best friends gave me + some juberrish shit i wanted to talk bout.

You can never prevent what you can't predict. & so, to start it all off. This year was amazingly tiring. Thou O levels are next year, i can't help but think that it's still time to play & have fun instead of burrying myself in books & torturing myself with sch assignments. However, on my mother's side, she looks like as if she's taking her O lvls more than i do. i guess, it happens to all parents , no one can blame them (: ... Basically, for the whole of sch year, i've been either half asleep / having a snack or just simply, not listening. I never saw the break ups coming frm this & that person. i broke my heart twice this year & am not intending to dwell in there anymore. thou it's still a raw wound, i really have no intentions on thinking of it again. Everything's been wiped out + i've been moving on thou somethings do bother me at a moment...He's not the man anymore. many doors opened after he closed the front one. my world started to unfold & i finally had the chance to get closer to my already close best friends, meet new people, discover another side of me. I do not know if i should thank you for closing that door or moan over you closing that door leaving me behind a couple of opened doors. Memories of you & i used to haunt the hell out of me . By now, it's all faded into the horizon which completes the puzzle for this year. i couldn't cry for you anymore. Sometimes, i wouldn't even bother to do anything anymore. i know i've done my best & we aren't the right pair. i've accepted the fact that it's all over now & nicole isn't crying for the man who broke her heart anymore. I wouldn't say you never loved me. But i definately could admit that you never loved me more than i loved you.

2007-12-28T20:22:00.000+08:00

SSSSSSSSoooooooo, maybe nicole's in love with someone.

I just reached sg & voldie, ange, alicia, sheryl, sotong, kelly, terence, ganesh & omar came to fetch meee. i swear i was so happy that i screamed & ran to voldie's arms when i saw all of em. The trip was enriching. coz, i learnt alot of things from my family & sometimes, you jsut gotta be mean to people who never appreciated how nice you were towards them. well... (:

I have to unpack my bags & clean my roooom.... i hate it... & to finish off the day, my mouse spoilt so, i'm using some fucking USB cabled wireless mouse when my other un-wokring mouse is simply... wireless. i know, so much of complaning isn't it? i feel dog tired. but, i still have the energy for a fag & heart to heart conversations with my best friends (:

I got over smth i never thought i could get over. everyone shld know what it is . All i want back now is... everything you have that's mine. okay... not exactly everything but... a few. Then, after i get back my stuff, you can lead your own .... what can i use... fucked up way? maybe? a lil too mean yeah? sometimes i just don't feel sorry for the mean things i say or do ... coz sometimes, some people deserve that. ouch. *snaps fingers back to reality* this is the world & this IS life. i dnt want to be nice to you since you're soooo fucking self centered all along.

& then , along came fish lips who thinks she's so hot... whyyyyy? coz, she got boobs that probably weight 2-3kg & the big big gold fish eyes. it makes me want to puke. call my jealous coz appreantly, some guys like girls with big huge boobs . but noo, i don't want it taking too much of space. it's not that i'm so against her looks. it's okay if she looks like... that but have a good character/ personality/ attitude however, she thinks so highly of herself, she looks down on people. i don't understand. tsk. i'm too knackered to even continue bout the twat.

2007-12-15T21:44:00.001+08:00

sometimes, i dnt understand why i used to hurt myself just to show a guy i love him. Now that i'm off that shit, i could noly laugh everything off & when i encounter someone who used to be like me, all i can say is...:" fucking dumb fucks... the more u do it. the more they take you for granted. just leave." then,, that is when i get all the "but i love ... very much . i think ... will love me back." yeah they will... but nt when they dnt realise everything you've done for him/her.

Some do ... but some just dnt. & sadly, for my case... almost all of em didn't reaally realise (: ... aww.

that's why i always say.... i just want a man that'll love me more than his... whatever.

hohohzxzx. moose & every other dummies aren't online. only my nessa is... the one that says " oh come back lah i miss my blonde nicole." or smth lidat... (:

2007-12-15T19:48:00.000+08:00

i'm going crazy, nessa kows why. To be honest, this week has been a lil draining & i've been tearing alot. i sleep at 2/3 am & wake up at 7 in the morning, i haven't been happy the whole week, grumpy moodswings adds on to it. i did not cry for any other reasons but, this week was grandad's grave & i couldn't help it. i guess, we never get over smth. we get used to it. oh god.

I hate it when it gets emotional & stuff at the grave. I took the risk to smudge my mascara & of course, cry infront of my whole family. I did a great job smudging my mascara. that sounds a bit too .... irrelevant but, yeah. so, many things have been going through my mind. Some are the past & the others are the future. Calvin dropped by my mind ytd night before i went to bed &, i noiced, nothing hurts anymore. cheers.

Lately, my latest craze is... (nessa knows) =BBBBB! . But, i'm just unsure of everything... ohh well.

i'm invading my cousin's again & .... the list of people online are pretty pathetic.

Birthday's coming & i wouldn't be celebrating it with daddy. always the case i suppose..

i miss everyone.

2007-12-08T16:56:00.000+08:00

"Cause it's you and me and all of the people

With nothing to do, nothing to prove

And it's you and me and all of the people and

I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off you"

I'm invading my cousin's hhouse just for the com. pretty pathetic coz daddy doesn't want to fix the computer at home. ):

I dnt miss sg but i miss the people in sg (: ... the same people i've mentioned in the previous post.

i'm damn BORED AHHH! *says it in the jason way* MUAHAH

2007-12-05T18:25:00.000+08:00

i'M OVER AT HK & THERE'S NO MEANS TO CONTACT ME UNLESS I GAVE YOU MY NUMBER OR SMTH (:

nessa, ange, nissa & sotong + moose, terence, ganesh, omar & shaq + mr. tuna jason, i cant wait to get back to sg... i miss you all alot ):

nessa, i recieved your text alrd. that strand of hair is erased off. Something's are just a waste of time .. you get it (: ...

New things new shit, new changes.. i'm damn fucking happy. & i can't wait to seee you.

I'l probably be back on jan ... so... to sum up this year with some major events...

it has been a great year.

Met new ple & they're wonderful.

got closer to my alrd close best friends.

Got promoted (:.

Got tgt & broke up with calvin. nice half a year wasted.

2007-11-28T22:24:00.001+08:00

Tuesday was... home at 12am.

Had a blast with voldie, sotong, moose, terence, ganesh, shaq, omar & jason. Everything seems so smoothly good, i forgot myself in the beach & everything we used to have. i'm not sorry for myself &, i'm ever saying sorry for every word that came out of myself. sometimes, i want you to get out of my face yet other times i just wished you were there. I guess, tmr's one mth trip to Hk wld probably wipe out everything we had... but.. this last words are all from my heart.

Calvin, i've said that i miss you but, i ain't sure if i miss you or if i miss the one i thought you were. I believe that you're a total changed person &, you are no longer the man i used to love. no more. not that calvin i knew. i don't & do not want to know what's going to come up next between us. Maybe, some one new for you & i but things between you & i are never going to be the same anymore. i've thought of everything, i've thought of all you've put me through & i've saw the way i've given in. All that you've give in, all that i've made you go through. i've wasted half a year for you. For a second, i thought you'd be the perfect one but for another, you just proved it wrong. i guess, for the past 6 mths we had, i was never perfect for you...Yeah, be strong. you're able to coz it's a mask, you just din't want to think of everything, you're ignored it. yet i myself am facing everything, crying, just to realise you never cared a tad bit. maybe you did but, not the same way you used to be. Don't thank me for everything i've given you. Thank yourself for it as well. It takes two hands to clap. This year, has been great with you for the past 6 mths & we're all moving on. I suppose, you ain't the one who belongs to my circle & i am not the one who'll belong to your's as well. I feel sad when i say this however, this is reality & i just want to face it... i want to face that you've already left & you're not missing me, i don't want to pretend everything is fine when it's not. i don't want to wake up one day & realise oh, you've already moved on yet i'm still in a scrapped knee. I don't want to care , i know you don't. Maybe, i'm better off with someone else. not you.

But whatever it is, i've enjoyed my times with you.

Managed to go out of the house to spend a ,lil time with voldie, sotong, moose, terence, omar & ganesh at east point fo dinner. I'm glad ... (: .

A hug brought something back into my eyes. Something i thought i left untouched; forgotten.

2007-11-27T00:27:00.000+08:00

what have i done to you to have you to do this to me?

I don't owe anyone an explanation on why i hve plans. i'm so.. fucked . aren't you glad now? You did a great job bringing yourself down right infront of my eyes &, of course people who do not know you personally; my best friends .

If you give no damn bout it, i wouldn't give a damn bout it as well.

I wouldn't say hate, i'll say dislike maybe? . You understand as much as an acquaintance knows me. Just by the look of the eye, you live through to pretend to understand me.ouch.

2007-11-26T22:26:00.000+08:00

Today was extremely gooooooood except for the getting all wet part (: .

Met voldy & had a huge amount of nicotine. We got wet coz... we wanted shelter under the damn block. so much for shelter. i could have just bathed myself under the rain... it was wonderful, i've gotta admit. brought back alot of memories. not exactly alot but, yeah .. a number of it. The very first one which came into my mind was the umbrella inccident whereby he wanted to get me an umbrella from home if it never stops raining. it's funny coz, i'm starting to laugh everything off. Have to get my UMD & book from calvin sooon. either before my flight or after i get back. hmm .

Met nissa + moose + ganesh + omar+ shaq & lastly, jason. (: (tunaaaa)!

Headed to the beach with jeans & skirts. wonderful ... ! hehehe.

We had quite alot of jason(s) today. "i patch your pardon" " the ozone layer will become smaller & shorter" FUCKING FUNNY. ((: .

Moose" your mother ah. your mother is your father!" HAHAHAA it's for someone i know personally.

Everyone knows you've been rather immature & childish. stupid ass. look at yourself in the mirror & speak out your age... maybe the mirror image you see will start laughing.

2007-11-25T14:19:00.000+08:00

The lyrics in LP's in pieces are like fucking deep.

"There's truth in your lies, doubt in your faith. "

"so i/ i won't be the one to leave this in pieces, & you/ you will be alone alone with all your secrets and regrets

don't lie "

All i ever ask for is for a real man with a real heart to love me more than his...whatever.

voldie left me for a floor. ): . We'll do the vaccum tgt one day =B... i'm seeing you tmr &, i'm going to see the whole linkin park kahkis on tuesday . ohh yeah.

your damned abracadabra says:
I miss you

your damned abracadabra says:
I think when you go i will die,

your damned abracadabra says:
1 month!

your damned abracadabra says:
1 month with no nicole!

your damned abracadabra says:
CANNOT LAH

your damned abracadabra says:
YOU CANNOT GOOOO

❤ niCOLE; There's truth in your lies Doubt in your faith. i think you suck. says:
):

❤ niCOLE; There's truth in your lies Doubt in your faith. i think you suck. says:

one mth without you ... like hell sia

『your damned abracadabra』 says:
oh my go

『your damned abracadabra』 says:
d

『your damned abracadabra』 says:
shit

『your damned abracadabra』 says:
ohmygod

『your damned abracadabra』 says:
FUCK I DIDNT LIKE PROCESS YOU WERE LEAVING

『your damned abracadabra』 says:
now only sinking in

❤ niCOLE; There's truth in your lies Doubt in your faith. i think you suck. says:
ehhh !

❤ niCOLE; There's truth in your lies Doubt in your faith. i think you suck. says:
SO ...

❤ niCOLE; There's truth in your lies Doubt in your faith. i think you suck. says:
U THOUGHT I WASN'T LEAVING LAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

『your damned abracadabra』 says:
I didnt really like.. think about it

❤ niCOLE; There's truth in your lies Doubt in your faith. i think you suck. says:
coz we've been spending almost our everydays tgt.

2007-11-24T20:55:00.000+08:00

met Nessa, Nissa, Ganesh, moose, terence & shaq for movie today.

Enchanted wasn't as good as i imagined it to be ... but, i enjoyed it & i dug in to realise that there's a moral to that story.

Prince charming isn't always the one you think it'll be (: .. don't search, wait. If you're into twisted fairy tales & stuff, it'll be pretty good i guess.
The movie, some of the lines in the script touched me. It got me thinking alot when i was in the theatres. & it inspired me to want to be a fking princess LOL.

Sometimes, ple says saying sorry isn't everything coz it never solves a problem. but then again. saying sorry means you know that you're wrong & forgiving that person just shows that nomatteer how much of a problem that person created, they are loved so deeply that those mistakes can be forgiven. It's really sweet. However, some jsut never realise that they've been taking too much.

I thought i saw forever when i saw you cry. oh,baby. I don't miss you, i miss the peron whom i thought you were.

2007-11-23T19:01:00.001+08:00

Get my sony headset fixed asap. / a new mp3. fuvjcv!

Pack my bag for HK.

Loose weight.

Start studying.

Get UMDs.

Get new pair of shoes.

Get a new bag.

More Piano scores.

Learn how to play numb on the piano.

Clean my ROOOOOOM!!!!!!!.

2007-11-23T10:03:00.000+08:00

I don't see the point of pulling my leg when you're so... indecisive.

Aww, don't be selfish.

Mum wanted to ground me but, my parents never do good jobs grounding me coz knowing me, i'll either tear the kitchen down by cooking shit , or i'll end up going to orchard road with my mum or smth. so, i guess mum gave up. she told me to be back early. that's it (: .

I've been spending almost half of my holidays with all of you & after wednesday's inccident, i felt that we've grown even closer to each other. All i ever need is people like you & i've found it. i love you very very much. remember the silly talks bout everything? we'll turn it into reality. (:

2007-11-22T08:23:00.001+08:00

I didn't fking know how a hang over feels like till ytd night .

Ytd was, Ju's chalet & drinking with moose + friends.

abosolute blackcurrent was fking hell goood when it's pure. so goood, it got me up all night with halucinations. i hate it but, i love the feeling of getting drunk. for a moment, i thought of quittng however, it's a once in awhile thing & i dnt really crave for alcohol like those addicts so, i guess, i can control myself abit here & there.

Ange was a gone case ytd night. i saw her crying for daryl & i saw the me who couldn't get over you. probably, i felt the pain that they felt when they saw me cry past few days back. Nothing much... ange was... just... gone. we had to force her to stand up so we'd be able to send her back home. sucks coz, we were behind time, we reached her curfew yet she just didn't want to get up. When we finally got her up... i was a goner then. ithe alcohol got into my brains & i couldn't stand straight. shaq & nessa had to carry me to get a cab home. ugly ah. i was vomiting & i was shouting at the main road coz, ididn;t want to go home. Little miss sheryl did a good job splashing apple tea on me to wake me up but, it didn't work coz i shouted even more. it was fucking cold alright ): ... THEN, terence & moose came out, + eunyse & chalet friends. they were like" nicols is Drunk, nicole is drunk!" They shut-ed my mouth so i'd stop shouting. ): it was really ugly & i was wasted for the night. so so so so so fucking ugly, i laied on gun...smth, (fogot his name)'s lap to knock out for awhile. i swear, everyone was startled to see me & ange that way. ange was worst. okay worst. i was better. i still remembered every part of it &, i know terence said you have to get up coz the cops are gonna come. type of shit. i know eunyse was the one who shutted me up & i said i couldn't breathe. again... like likin park 0.0 . I remembered pointing at someone & i asked" why are you smoking" yadadyaydyad. I asked terence to get Linkin Park back to sg coz, i'll pay 5k for that. 0.0

I got home by cab with mel & sheryl. i was so thankful i didn't need to go home alone. iui puked in the fking cab. &, the taxi driver said, why drink so much!. i was too tired to even think . please.

stayed up all night thinking of shit. hallucinated & heard voices like" nic, i''m gonna get you when you're drunk." & i heard nessa's voice. i wanted to die, & i had the thought of getting a kitchen knife to kill myself however i was too lazy to get out of bed. sometimes, lazyness saves your life. i still feel dizzy now & it;s 8 am in the morning. i can't get back to slp & stuff. it sucks. fking hang overs & alcohol. for a second, maybe, i'm going to quit drinking & maybe, smoking as well. but then again, maybei can't quit smoking (: . ohhhhh welss.

i'm still drunk. still very drunk. dizzy like dizzy lah. i talk like a fucking blonde when i'm drunk. (: gd thing. nel said she wouldn't know that i'm a chinese if i dyed my hair blonde. ehhh got accent =BBB.

I remembered the hug i had ytd. aww.

sheryl said smth fucking irrelevant... & got me screaming saying no. smth bout love yadyadada.

Now, it's so fking obvious . ange knows, nessa as well & .. almsot everyone there ytd knows. *slaps hands on head* finished my ciggs. no money to buy coz, i spent it all on my drinks. mum's angry, coz i'm like wasted. (:

i want to mosh. (: terence wanted to get a picture of me & ange when we were drunk ): sad case ah. unglam moments.

Then, you realise that you've given your everything yet they just go un-noticed. i love you ange, i love you a hell lot & i dnt want to ever see you the way you were ytd. rememberd what i've said. It's life & we fail. We gotta accept it. no matter what i'll be there. i won't leave. never. i'll never leave someone i love. alright.

2007-11-20T22:06:00.001+08:00

there you go.

I have unknown texting me & ...It's annoying.

Haven't been staying home for the past few days. have been sleeping at 4-5 almost everyday. Very tired.

But, i enjoyed my everyday with best friends <33.

2007-11-17T15:26:00.000+08:00

uvbhdfoivbj! I'm seeing voldie.

“I can't keep coming back to you Every time you're in the mood To whisper something sweet in my ear “

I don’t want to wake up to realize that it’s too late to do the things I’ve always wanted to do. Gotta take what you can these days coz there’s so much ahead. Packing my bags heading for a holiday, come home with a smile reminding myself that the very last thing I want in life is someone to break me down again. I’m sorry coz it’s not forever that I’m gonna have a scrapped knee. I’m sorry but no one would get that chance to see me that way…not this moment at least. The last thing everybody needs is someone to break them down (: .

All emotions mixed up like a mix tape.

Maybe i ain't the reason to your traffic in your brain. maybe it's just you. Or maybe, it's another reason. You told me you love me first then threw your heart into reverse. Leave me alone & get out of my face. It's not my fault you couldn't face me, you took up every choice, every decision. i'm sorry but i tried, & this was what i got from you; a slap back to reality. Fall bitch, fall was what you told me right down my face. Snap. just snap. cry, cry infront of the mirror. Don' crawl into my skin. Don't pretend you know, coz you don't.

2007-11-15T14:12:00.000+08:00

Who’s willing to catch enchanted, stardust & the game plan with me?
They’re pretty awesome movies I suppose … Think bout it, what if fairy tales came true. Everyone would have a prince to be married off to Yumm.

Woke up at around 7 in the morning coz of my lil sister. She topped her class & I promised to attend the price giving ceremony over at her primary sch. Was supposed to have breakfast cum lunch with my dear voldemort but, it was so damn early + I was tired so, I decided to go back to sleep. Got home, collapsed on my bed with the spongebob balloon lying on the floor for god knows what reasons. I was too, tired + lazy to think so, yeah… Make up wasn’t taken off, wasn’t a problem coz all I wanted to do was = sleep (: .

After a few hours I was still tired. Sucks. ):

Will be having dinner out so, I guess that’ll be the only meal I’m having for today. Who the f cares if I starve.

I want more of 13th nov. zzz.

2007-11-14T00:32:00.001+08:00

Tell me who'll give up that fucking chance of being right infront just coz you passed out? Not me... i went back into the very front row to mosh (:

My body's aching from all those moshing yet i love it. (: You can never imagine how packed the stadium was + how LP's fans fucking moshed. Of course, nothing beats it more than having the best people with me. i wished you were there to see those pretty sights but, what a waste. huh?

After LP started for a while, the crowd right infront of the stage moshed like no one's business... &, of course i did as well but, for a second, i couldn't breathe & i shouted at the guy beside me" ehhhhhh!!! i cant breath... i cant bbbbbbbreathhe! *screams*." Ange was startled & she asked if i was okay,if i was okay but... i had no breath to talk. the guy beside & infront was nice enough to carry me up for air & i got carried to the side & stuff...Then, i got back into concious state & decided to go back to mosh... hell, it's 150 & im not going to waste it (: ... so, i did, went right from the back, pushed my way thru & got myself back to where i was but, i never ended up with ange & nessa again. i ended up with the ang mohs who pushed & rubbed against me till my shirt was as wet as it was just taken out of a basin of water. Ange & nessa knows how the crowd was...; so moshable... your hand can get stuck in between people's body & you can even feel the guy rubbing themselves onto you. that was irrelevant but, it was damn moshable! Pushing me away & Faint reminded me of you & i cried to it, it was pretty. really.

Someone elbowed my breasts & it fucking hurts... He/she elbowed like there's no fucking tmr... some stepped on me(understandable)..Some rested their hands on my shoulders...Rubbed against me, & some beside/behind me grinded at me. But, the whole point is enjoying yourself ain't it :D.

I got home with a drenched T-shirt & a Just-out-of-bathroom hair style. I moshed, moshed like a fucking whore. Nothing stopped myself from moshing... not even passing out (: ... yeah, it was that awesome. so fucking-ly awesome that you can scream your lungs out just for them.

Passed out for awhile but got back to the consious state & went back to mosh. oh, shit... you've gotta see the face of everyone's. It's amazing! everything was great except for those asses who grinded at me.

I love that part where chester looked at... me... okay my direction. fucking cuteeeeeeee &&&, pheonix waved at meeeeeeeeeeeee!! I was waving & he waved back *contented look* i enjoyed myself. i really really enjoyed myself. I've got a taste of the water they drank. I was this -------------- close to getting the drum sticks they threw off the stage but, i missed it. I had their gatorate , i drank it. MUAHAHAH.

I woke up with body aches which was worth i for once... not those body aches you get from running but body aches which you get from moshing right infront of LP (: . different feeling!

Had no mood to eat coz i still want to mosh & i was singing their songs for the whole morning. My very first meal would probably be dinner so.. yeah.

Had you on my mind in the morning, had it in the afternoon & now. It's a lil more than i can stand; i guess you know how i feel. Spilt it out to you, all of it. I guess i did the right thing... i'm tired of wearing a mask, i'm tired of acting... coz, i can only wear a mask for a period of time till everything revelas itself. to come to think of that, why am i suffering when i could simply spill it out. I've never regreted any step i took but, i just miss you.

I want to mosh again again again!!!!

2007-11-12T23:56:00.000+08:00

*jumps around* I can't wait for tmr's linkin park. *counting down*

2007-11-11T23:21:00.000+08:00

I spent 500+ today but i'm fucking happy.

2007-11-09T22:00:00.000+08:00

It’s never an easy job to keep a smile on the face when one walks into a total stranger..
So, every time a stranger says hi or bye, appreciate it. (:

Sometimes, it’s so ironic that you tell someone you wouldn’t break your promise but, the next min, you find yourself doing it already. I’ve got someone on msn using the nick name of “ … … Promises cannot be broken… REALLY!!” yeah okay… some promises are for real but some are just for talks. How bout that?

Talking bout promises... Can you still rmb that couple which walked along the busy roads asking each other the expectations of a promise for each other?

One held the hands of the other saying in chinese:" I want you to be happy every day. Can or not? （我要你天天开心。可以吗?) The other nodded it's head & smiled with a yes coming out of it's mouth. Then, it was the opp partner's turn to take up a promise. It was :" I want you to be honest with me no matter what..."

Do you, still remember who the couples were?

I’ve not been staying home for the past few days coz; I’m feeling busy with the holidays. I’ve been laughing so much. I’ve never been as happy as before. All coz, I’ve been spending my time with my best friends. They’re the stars when the sun is down & they’ll be the rain when the sky’s too hot. It’s beautiful to have best friends’. They pick up your phone call anytime, anywhere; be it to hear you cry, to hear you laugh or simply, to hear you bitch.
Thanks for being my backbone & my world. I love you. I love you.
Nessa wanted to shave a lighted lighter right up my nose ytd &, she repeated the phrase” forgive me forgive me” for a very long time. & Today, she made me & mel walk so much just by saying” we’re nearing, we’re nearing” Nest time, when that comes out of your mouth, I’ll ask you what exactly is your “nearing” . ayeeeeee!

Hunny couldn’t make it today coz she wasn’t feeling well ): I miss youzxzxzxzx.

I’ve got a lil green man keychain & it’s really adorable.

I want a soft toy of it whereby it says” oooooooooh, strangers from the outside” kind of shit. It’s going to be cute. !